Thursday, October 13, 2011

Late night ramblings of a pregnant women

Our genetic counselor called today. I missed the call but she left us a voicemail. The results of our amnio are back. They were pretty much the same results of the rapid screening test. There is definitely a neural tube defect. Spinal fluid or tissue is leaking into the amniotic fluid. But the good news (I guess) is that it's for sure not a genetic issue. We were just the 1 in 1000 that randomly has a baby that develops Spina Bifida.

I have been kinda depressed all day. I guess more like anxious, but the anxiety makes me sad. Makes me feel like I can't be 100% mom and wife I can be. Luckily, Sam has been home the last 2 days. He has me on "light duty" around the house so I sat and watched him clean! He was also great and when I had morning sickness and was laying in the bathtub at 6:30 this morning, he got up with the boys.

I think I have been trying so hard to be so positive lately that today it kinda wore off. We have been researching Childrens Hospital, The Ronald McDonald house, spinal surgery, shunt surgery, aftercare of a newborn with SB, catheters, supplemental insurance.... ect. Today it kind of hit me why we are doing this. Thoughts of not holding her after she is born and her being in the NICU for days is driving me crazy today. Also, having a C-section is the craziest thing to me. I'm trying to wrap my head around all of this. Luckily, we still have awhile to plan and prepare and deal with everything.

Even when I am scared and crying and feeling totally out of control. I try to think that we are going to have a new baby. Tiny little pajamas, little hats and socks. That smell of my milk on their sweet breath. I can still remember it with the boys and I am excited to go through it again.

I am nervous for Tuesday when we go to Childrens because I feel like they are going to tell us where the defect in the spine is and we will know what "limitations" she will have. I need this though. I need more of my questions answered. I have a list written out already. I will let everyone know how it goes. Thanks again for all the prayers and messages of positivity. It really does help and eveyones words of encouragement are helping to keep us going.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

i feel like i'm stalking your blog! i check it almost every day for updates. sorry if that's creepy.
i can't believe you didn't cry a single time through all those appointments and discussions! you guys are so strong (am i repepetive yet?!)
i'm glad you had such a good experience. it sounds like the doctors you met with really know their stuff and were able to set some pretty clear expectations for you for a lot of the stuff. thank you for the updates! tell sam and the kids i said hi. :)