Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Just like autumn leaves, we're in for change

Today has been a surprising emotional day. It's been 2 weeks since our last appointment. We left Children's Hospital that day really hopeful and positive. The last couple of weeks we have really accepted everything and focused a lot on the boys and making Halloween special for them.

Today when I checked the mail I became overwhelmed. First of all we got the notes from our visit with the doctor at Children's. He will be one of the doctors caring for Stella after she is born. The notes were great. Very detailed. They pretty much went over everything we talked about the whole hour we were there. There was nothing in the notes that was surprising or that I was taken back by. I think just seeing HER diagnosis, written out like that, hit me hard. I read all the time other blogs and websites where mothers and fathers write their diagnosis/experiences. It really helps me. There are other parents out there, getting the news the same time we did. Also, seeing families who have had their children and now they are thriving is inspirational.

I am once again back to that scared place. Not as much about the long term obstacles but just making it through the pregnancy and c-section. I worry endlessly about my child, who at a few hours old, will be under anesthesia and undergoing a surgery that can take up to half a day. Then, after that, endearing brain surgery.

I am trying to learn through this process. I have to learn to give up control. Even leaving my kids for the day to go to a doctor appointment is huge for me. I am such a control freak when it comes to my kids. Now knowing I will not be taking care of my newborn is not settling well with me. I know she will be in amazing hands but not being there at first, I feel right now, is gonna kill me. I know this is what has to happen and I am hoping with time and lots of prayer, I will get to a good place with this before the delivery.

Next, I opened a bunch of new doctors bills. I am trying not to think much about the financial aspect of all of this. We would pay anything and do anything for our kids and especially when it comes to their health. It's just overwhelming seeing the bills. We are blessed that Sam has great benefits through his job and that we have access to these amazing doctors.

I love the band TV on The Radio. They have this amazing song "Province" that I listen to on repeat 10 times a day. It also has back up vocals by David Bowie. It's pretty perfect. Here is my favorite verse of the song. I've loved this song for years but just recently realized how I think this song was written for us.

Hold your heart courageously
As we walk into this dark place
Stand steadfast erect and see
That love is the province of the brave

Anyways, for tonight I am just sad. I am sure I will wake up in the morning back to the usual optimistic, hopeful self I try to be. I think I need to remind myself that it's ok to cry. I think we all look to the future and have a plan when that plan is no longer an option, you have to grieve that loss. We will still be the same happy, normal family but with a new normal. We are gonna have a daughter and that is pretty flippin' exciting.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

You are so strong! It IS ok to cry and it IS ok to have sad days. Your optimism is amazing and you're right - you'll adjust to a new kind of normal. And even then you'll have sad days and moments when you have to let yourself cry. I think it's important for us to let ourselves feel what we feel, no matter what it is. but it's like a diet - everything in moderation. Being upset all the time won't get you anywhere, but being happy-go-lucky like "wow, everything will be fine, it won't be a problem, we'll take whatever comes our way" 100% of the time won't work either. You're going through so much, and there's going to be parts/days/times that suck and are scary and where your heart feels suffocated. You know that, you don't need me to tell you that - from all your reading and research, etc. But there will be so many good things too - more love than you could ever imagine, a beautiful new child in your lives, a new sister for your boys, and a closer family and friends than ever.
I forgot where exactly I was heading... and I feel kinda lame talking from this place where I've obviously experienced nothing even remotely similar. But I still think it's true and natural to let yourself feel both sad and optimistic when needed, just don't let either overwhelm you. :)
I'm so glad you are blogging! I love and miss you guys.