Today when I checked the mail I became overwhelmed. First of all we got the notes from our visit with the doctor at Children's. He will be one of the doctors caring for Stella after she is born. The notes were great. Very detailed. They pretty much went over everything we talked about the whole hour we were there. There was nothing in the notes that was surprising or that I was taken back by. I think just seeing HER diagnosis, written out like that, hit me hard. I read all the time other blogs and websites where mothers and fathers write their diagnosis/experiences. It really helps me. There are other parents out there, getting the news the same time we did. Also, seeing families who have had their children and now they are thriving is inspirational.
I am once again back to that scared place. Not as much about the long term obstacles but just making it through the pregnancy and c-section. I worry endlessly about my child, who at a few hours old, will be under anesthesia and undergoing a surgery that can take up to half a day. Then, after that, endearing brain surgery.
I am trying to learn through this process. I have to learn to give up control. Even leaving my kids for the day to go to a doctor appointment is huge for me. I am such a control freak when it comes to my kids. Now knowing I will not be taking care of my newborn is not settling well with me. I know she will be in amazing hands but not being there at first, I feel right now, is gonna kill me. I know this is what has to happen and I am hoping with time and lots of prayer, I will get to a good place with this before the delivery.
Next, I opened a bunch of new doctors bills. I am trying not to think much about the financial aspect of all of this. We would pay anything and do anything for our kids and especially when it comes to their health. It's just overwhelming seeing the bills. We are blessed that Sam has great benefits through his job and that we have access to these amazing doctors.
I love the band TV on The Radio. They have this amazing song "Province" that I listen to on repeat 10 times a day. It also has back up vocals by David Bowie. It's pretty perfect. Here is my favorite verse of the song. I've loved this song for years but just recently realized how I think this song was written for us.
As we walk into this dark place
Stand steadfast erect and see
That love is the province of the brave