You Are What You Love.

Dear Stella,

I have been meaning to write to you for awhile now. I feel like you already know what I'm thinking and how I am feeling. You are (literally) right next to my heart 24 hours a day. I will admit to you that I am scared, but I'm sure you already know that. There is this part of me that feels like I cannot do this. It scares me to feel this way. I have such extreme "mommy guilt". If I need a few hours away from your brothers or don't have the energy to read them a bedtime story at night, that guilt eats away at me. Your daddy is always reassuring me that I need a break sometimes and I have to chill out. I know I can physically go through the delivery and taking care of you while you are recovering but emotionally I want to crumble when I think of you in that hospital bed. I have guilt that I did something to cause this to happen to you. All the doctors reassure me that it just happens, we were the 1 in 1000 that it happened to. More like YOU were the 1 in 1000 it happened to.

I am scared for the pain you will endure after you are born. The surgeries, needles, and poking and prodding you will endure. If I could I would do all of it in your place. You should be in my arms but you will be in a hospital bed. I promise you to stay by your side as much as I can, I know your Daddy feels the same way.

I feel like a part of his heart is broken for you right now. He doesn't like to talk about it. I think he feels sorry for me and wants to support me so he doesn't want me know how much he is hurting. We try to explain things to your brothers but they are blissfully unaware of whats going on. Maybe that's how it should be. Roman is especially afraid of hospitals and doctors so I think if I went into too much detail, he would be frightened. He is excited for you to be born. He likes to go into your nursery and look at your stuff. Finn still kisses my belly and hugs it every night and when we went shopping he kept grabbing girls clothes and saying "For baby sissy" They love you so much and I know you hear them singing their good night song to you every night. "Good night Stella... good night Stella... goodnight Stella it's time to go to sleep"

The out pour of love and support has been amazing. You are SO loved and you aren't even born yet. Tomorrow we enter into the third trimester. With the busyness of Christmas, New Years, and Daddys birthday, these 10 weeks are going to fly by. I'm sorry in advance that I won't be able to hold you after you are born. I will do everything I can to take care of myself and be out of the hospital to come see you. Your Daddy will be there with you as you go to Childrens Hospital and he will be there during your first surgery.

I have so much else to say but I will save it for another time. I promise to write to you often so when you are older you can look back at the journey our family traveled to have you in our lives.

I love you,

Mommy