Monday, May 7, 2012

I wanted to write something tonight but didn't really know where to start. The other day I put a little update on facebook talking about the peace I've found lately with Stella having SB. When I went back and reread it, I was wondering "Do people think I say all this positive stuff just to look good and who acts like they've got it all together but really cracking at the seams?" I really like facebook because I have a lot of family and friends who I don't see often and it gives me and them a chance to see what's going on in each others lives. I sometimes think that if someone says something out loud enough, they start to believe it. The combination of facebook and being able to 'create' an image of your life for others is fascinating to me.

I truly believe the peace I've found is otherworldly. Meaning there is no way I could of done it on my own, without God helping me every inch of the way. I really don't want to sound like I have this perfect life with a perfect husband and perfect kids. I definitely have my moments where I am not the best version of my self. My husband and I fight sometimes. My kids can be naughty. I have felt at times so much guilt for my daughter having a birth defect that I fear one day she will blame me. I'm a work in progress, as I think we all are even until the end of our lives. I do know that prayer and faith and trusting in God can move mountains in anyones life.

I prayed throughout my csection and pleaded with God as Stella was in surgery. I told God that if my daughter came out of her surgery that I would recommit every once of myself to Him. Looking back I'm thinking, why would I only do that if He saved her? What if something would of gone wrong? Would I have turned my back? I'm slowly (after about 16 years of being a Christian) learning what prayer can do. Not just prayer, but an open dialogue with Jesus. Being able to see doors closed and accepting that sometimes the answer I want isn't the answer I'm gonna get.

So back to the facebook update I did. I wrote it because it's feels like a ton of bricks have been lifted off my chest. I refuse to let her SB rob us and her of being happy. I refuse to let the worry and stress and "What If...?" take away anything that's less then the best for her. Yes, I know there are going to be challenges, and tears, and lots of stress. It could come tomorrow or a year from now. All I can really trust is that my God is GOOD and FAITHFUL and handpicked our daughter for us.

One last thing, I honestly could feel the prayers of others while we were in the trenches. We didn't tell people what was going on for 2 weeks after our first ultrasound. We weren't even totally sure what was happening so we didn't want to give our false information. That was a really dark time for us. Once we finally opened up, we received such an outpouring of love from our friends and family and even strangers. Especially while Stella was being born and her hospital stay. Thanks again for lifting her up in prayer.

1 comment:

Brad and Wendy said...

definitely feel what you have gone through, guilt and everything just know that it was all normal what you felt! And that the Lord is in control I know it is a up and down road with sb:/