Monday, May 14, 2012

Love Will Take You

Everytime Stella cries, this runs through my head "Is she hungry, poopy, or too hot? Is her Chiari Malformation acting up and she has a headache? Is her Ventriculomegaly turning into hydrocephalus? Oh my gosh maybe it's really bad! I wish I had an MRI machine at home. Maybe her back is hurting and she has an infection on her repair site.She could have a UTI and I don't know about it and she's in pain. Maybe I will just drive her down to Childrens so they can see her" I feel her head, look at her eyes, examine every inch of her to see what the problem is. So far it seems its all just normal baby fussiness. We are having some breast feeding issues that we are working on (that I truly feel is the Chiari) but other then that she recovers fine from her spouts of crankiness.

Thankfully I have a very reassuring husband. Her doctors are also very reassuring and always give us all the signs to look for and their phone numbers and the "Feel free to call if you think there's a problem...." I still check on her every hour or so through the night. My body is so tuned to it that I perk right up and go into her room to lay my hand on her back. It usually startles her and she snorts and moves around. Then I sigh a breath of relief.

Sometimes when I get up to check on her, I think about Roman being a teenager and out with friends. I think about him driving around and being a typical teenager. I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that the worry is never ending! My dad still reminds me to lock my front door at night when we are talking.

I am (slightly) into Twlight, Ok, I'll admit it I love the books and movies. I've been listening to the Breaking Dawn soundtrack a ton lately and there is a song I like and I love these lyrics from it.

If we never found this loveIf we never took that roadIf we hadn't had the heartWe wouldn't have this home

It just reminds me of Sam and I meeting. I think of all the long talks we had about our lives and I don't think we ever in a million years could of pictured of love & joy we would share, bringing these 3 perfectly beautiful and unique children into the world.

No comments: